I love writing, I always have. Whether it’s boring nonsense with grammatical and typographical errors, or a heart felt expression of my pain and depression. Lately something has changed. I have stopped writing almost entirely.
So why the change? Given my bipolar disorder it could be a manic episode causing me to lose focus and my ability to write. Perhaps it could be depression that has left me so isolated I can’t even reach out to strangers.
I don’t think it’s either of those I think it’s something entirely unexpected; happiness. Plain old happiness.
Up until about a month ago I had stopped going out, seeing friends, I had no job, and most days the thought of getting out of bed was just too much to handle. So what changed?
Well they put me on medications, one of which helps me sleep and I am so grateful for that. I started doing therapy for the first time. These both seemed to help, but not in any substantial way. Then I got a job at a music school for drumming, pretty much my dream job, and suddenly things began to change.
I felt truly happy, especially when I was at work. I didn’t want to go home. This happiness lead to my being able to manage my social anxiety a little better. I seemed to be radiating joy. Friends I hadn’t talked to in months, or in some cases years, wanted to hangout. Everytime I hangout with someone all they could say was that we needed to do it again as soon as possible, which is an experience I haven’t had since my youth.
The therapy and meds almost certainly had some affect, and I will continue them, but it seems that finding something that is so much more than a job, something that makes me eager to get up every morning even if I’m feeling down, is what is truly driving my happiness.
I may have lost some of my desire to write, but I gained so much more. As long as this feeling lasts I will cherish every minute of it!
Remember to smile,