Inadequate

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday. I feel I should be excited, it is my birthday after all. Unfortunately not only am I not happy, the approaching day is making me increasingly miserable. I look at what I have done with my life and the answer is, simply, nothing.

I look at my friends having their first, second, third, or even fourth child. Some are getting married, or are already happily married. They are getting promotions, moving to new places, or just traveling for the sake of travel. These may not all be things I want, but I envy their happiness and their accomplishments.

I have no family, no wife, no kids, no job, I don’t travel, and I constantly fight a losing battle with happiness, and life in general. So how do I fix this? How do I control the demon (bipolar) that makes it nearly impossible to live a normal life?

Everyone seems to have the answer. “Just snap out of it,” “just apply yourself,” “stop being lazy and get off your ass,” or my favorite “it’s all in your head, if you want it just do it.” Just do it, my life isn’t a fucking Nike commercial. Rather than yell and tell them they’re idiots I just smile and thank them for the (useless) advice.

The problem is I don’t have an answer. At best one day I find a combination of medications that keeps me balanced enough to play the role of normal guy. But is that really what I want. The guy with four kids, big house, white picket fence, and no sign of the (at least mildly) unique person I once was.

Even in my thoughts I can’t pick a life choice, how the hell do I do it in real life? Fuck being an adult.

Remember to smile,
Hipster Harrison

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3 thoughts on “Inadequate

  1. There’s this little comic that says “Of course it’s all in my head! Where else do you expect mental illness to be, in my kidneys?”

    It makes me laugh because if it’s one thing I detest hearing above all others it’s “that it’s all in my head.”

    Ps – There really is no normal. Your friends that have these great lives most likely have thoughts of wanting something different and wanting what someone else has too. This can be hard to believe but it’s true.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I hear you! Every year I get more stressed about where I feel I should be by now and what I want to be doing or could be doing if it weren’t for mental illness.
    All I can say is try to remember that your struggles (though difficult and unfair) have shaped you in a unique and profound way and will have given you knowledge, compassion, understanding and life experiences that few others will ever know. I hope that these traits will help you find more resounding peace in the coming years! 🙂
    Aimee x

    Liked by 3 people

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